I have a friend named John who always tells me things which, though they may not be wise, are more realistic to life. I like to call these Johnisms. Not all the ones I am including here came from him. I’ve gotten some from my uncles, aunts, and parents. I have even found myself creating Johnisms for my own children. Here are a few of my favorites.
1) (When asked about joining the choir.) Are you kidding? My voice is so bad today that I wouldn’t hire me to yell at my dog.
2) (When asked how he is doing.) My life is hectic. I have been so busy I feel like a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.
3) (When discussing the elections and whom he would vote for, he only mentioned whom he would vote against.) That politician talks like the south end of a northbound horse.
4) (With regard to a girl that was talking to us at full speed.) As much as that girl talks, someone must have vaccinated her with a phonograph needle.
5) (Talking about setting goals.) When I was young, I learned that if you want to plant straight rows, you aim for something at the other end of the field and keep your eye on it. I also learned that a cow does not make a good object to be your mark.
6) (More talk about setting goals.) You don’t get potatoes to eat by planting hay.
7) (Talking about retirement years.) When I was young, my father always said, “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.” Now that I am retired, I say early to bed, late to rise, and three naps a day is always wise.
8) (One day when everything went wrong.) If we use good judgment, we make better decisions. The way we get the judgment to make good decisions is to make bad decisions.
9) (Talking about security cameras.) The fourth little pig built his house of wolf skulls. It wasn’t that comfortable, but it was a great deterrent.
10) (We were talking about going hiking, and he said he’d opt for a cruise.) Adventures are good if you don’t die, and they are best if there is a question regarding whether you will. At my age, it doesn’t take much to reach that point.
11) (Talking about his wife’s cute collection of spoons.) Yeah, you don’t want to touch that. My wife will turn into guardzilla if you do.
12) (Talking about his wife’s tenacity.) I’m telling you, you don’t want to mess with her. She can be as tough as an undercooked sage hen.
13) (After watching a kids’ movie.) I need to go read something intellectual to restore the brain cells I just lost.
14) (Talking of going after something.) They say the early bird gets the worm. That’s why I sleep in. I don’t like worms.
15) (After Thanksgiving dinner.) I ate so much that I think I need a bloat needle. (Maybe only cattlemen will get this.)
16) (After playing with a band.) Every dog has his day, but the night belongs to the old coon.
17) (Talking about the discretions of youth.) I may have done some crazy things when I was young, but I’m not sure they surpass the recent ones. Now that I am old, I feel freer to let loose a little because, frankly, a life sentence isn’t as ominous as it used to be.
The post My Favorite “Johnisms” first appeared on Meridian Magazine.